Scars
Of Emotional Abuse Linger After
The Breakup
Dear
Harlan,
I left an emotionally abusive relationship about eight months
ago. He was the perfect boyfriend at the beginning, but then
he started drinking, got angry, sulked if I didn't see him
every day and got moody when I told him I wasn't ready to
move in with him after four months. I broke up with him. Three
months later we got back together. I had to "prove" I would
not hurt him again. We had to get engaged and move in together,
and I did everything he asked. While living together we fought
a lot. He'd ignore me for days, yell at me and call me horrible
names. After threatening me and throwing a drink at me during
an argument, I left. I was physically ill: dry-heaving every
day, not sleeping, not eating and crying all the time. Since
leaving and getting stronger and reading a gazillion books,
I'm thinking I should NEVER go back (duh!), but my emotions
don't fit what is in my mind. I feel sad thinking about him
moving on without me and being a nice guy to another woman.
I second-guess my choice and what was really happening. He
has told me he is really sorry and realizes that he made mistakes
and wants to make it up to me forever. What the heck is wrong
with me?
Lingering
Doubt
Dear
Lingering Doubt.
Congratulations! You did it! He's gone!
About these feelings -- even kidnapping survivors can become
sympathetic to their abductors. What you're feeling are scars
of years of abuse. Don't let it confuse you with love or let
it be the seed of self-doubt. The beautiful thing about you
is that after all of this, you are still so compassionate.
Have compassion for yourself and NEVER get near him again.
You might always have feelings for him, but the feelings aren't
because you want to be with him. The feelings are because
of the years of abuse. Find yourself a domestic-abuse survivors
group, and stay far away from this man.
